Waiting for 6 pm Friday

Golf is not a sport. It’s in the same category as pool, darts, bowling and poker – fun game, but fails the “smoke and drink” test of sport-dom. If you can smoke and drink without adversely affecting your play, it’s not a sport!

Why does sobriety level have little correlation with level of play? It’s mostly a game of luck anyway. So many guys win the Masters once and then disappear into the one-hit-wonders world of golf pros… we never hear from them again. Remember Vijah Singh? Jose Maria Olazabal? Me neither. Tiger Woods is like someone that won the lottery repeatedly. Rare, fascinating, rich and really damn lucky.

Golf takes little to no athletic ability. At least, the Olympic committee doesn’t think so. There are Olympic medals for badminton, kayaking and table tennis but not golf. Yes, badminton. Apparently driving a ball 350+ yards doesn’t impress the Olympic committee as much as tapping a shuttlecock. Also, low physical demands keep the world of golf relatively drug-free, and everyone knows all real sports involve a good steroid scandal.

Minimal athletic ability means no blown-out knees, Gilmore’s groin or torn rotators cuffs. This allows “professional golfers” to avoid retirement completely and play in the “senior league,” a thriving leg of the professional golf world. Thus another reason for the excessive intake of alcohol associated with the game… who wants to watch a bunch of retired guys in ugly clothing amble around hitting tiny balls without a good buzz going on?

The essential elements of the “sport” - ugly shoes, beer, inactivity

In golf, it is not just possible but basically required to drink beer while playing. Searching for signs of alcohol consumption actually helps confused/drunk golfers confirm they are in fact on a golf course. Consider the following questions:

–Are there hot women driving around in golf carts serving you beer?

–Is the cup holder in your rental golf cart a bit too small for a water bottle but the perfect size for a 12-ounce?

–Are the joint-smoking 20-year-olds pounding 40s in front of your holding up your game?

–Are said high-as-a-kite juvenile delinquents (of whom there are at least 6 on one hole) beating you by at least 5 strokes?

–Are the 75-year-olds behind you playing at exactly the same level as you and your partner who, despite the beer he is currently shotgunning with incredible speed, recently completed the New York marathon?

If the answers to most if not all of the above questions are “yes”, congratulations, you’re playing the fine “sport” of golf! Which, by the way, is not a sport.

A traditional golf course sighting - for many, the highlight of the game