Waiting for 6 pm Friday

Golf is not a sport. It’s in the same category as pool, darts, bowling and poker – fun game, but fails the “smoke and drink” test of sport-dom. If you can smoke and drink without adversely affecting your play, it’s not a sport!

Why does sobriety level have little correlation with level of play? It’s mostly a game of luck anyway. So many guys win the Masters once and then disappear into the one-hit-wonders world of golf pros… we never hear from them again. Remember Vijah Singh? Jose Maria Olazabal? Me neither. Tiger Woods is like someone that won the lottery repeatedly. Rare, fascinating, rich and really damn lucky.

Golf takes little to no athletic ability. At least, the Olympic committee doesn’t think so. There are Olympic medals for badminton, kayaking and table tennis but not golf. Yes, badminton. Apparently driving a ball 350+ yards doesn’t impress the Olympic committee as much as tapping a shuttlecock. Also, low physical demands keep the world of golf relatively drug-free, and everyone knows all real sports involve a good steroid scandal.

Minimal athletic ability means no blown-out knees, Gilmore’s groin or torn rotators cuffs. This allows “professional golfers” to avoid retirement completely and play in the “senior league,” a thriving leg of the professional golf world. Thus another reason for the excessive intake of alcohol associated with the game… who wants to watch a bunch of retired guys in ugly clothing amble around hitting tiny balls without a good buzz going on?

The essential elements of the “sport” - ugly shoes, beer, inactivity

In golf, it is not just possible but basically required to drink beer while playing. Searching for signs of alcohol consumption actually helps confused/drunk golfers confirm they are in fact on a golf course. Consider the following questions:

–Are there hot women driving around in golf carts serving you beer?

–Is the cup holder in your rental golf cart a bit too small for a water bottle but the perfect size for a 12-ounce?

–Are the joint-smoking 20-year-olds pounding 40s in front of your holding up your game?

–Are said high-as-a-kite juvenile delinquents (of whom there are at least 6 on one hole) beating you by at least 5 strokes?

–Are the 75-year-olds behind you playing at exactly the same level as you and your partner who, despite the beer he is currently shotgunning with incredible speed, recently completed the New York marathon?

If the answers to most if not all of the above questions are “yes”, congratulations, you’re playing the fine “sport” of golf! Which, by the way, is not a sport.

A traditional golf course sighting - for many, the highlight of the game 

Some minor league hockey team nobody has ever heard of is trying to capitalize off of the greatness that is Michigan Football to get people to come to their games.

The Wheeling Nailers - yes, that really is the team name - in West Virginia (surprised?) are advertising discounted tickets to anyone that brings a photo or newspaper clipping that mentions Rich Rodriguez. The clippings will be shredded in a real live paper shredder upon arrival to the game. Additional discounts will be given to anyone wearing Ohio State gear, and anyone wearing Michigan paraphernalia will be charged double.

The Michigan/OSU clause of the “Shred Rich Rodriguez” promotion was added last-minute to give Wheeling Nailer fans a sense of what a real rivalry would feel like, since they apparently have none to speak of. Additionally, anyone actually NAMED Rich Rodriguez gets in free, according to a team press release. ”Except, of course, if you actually are Coach Rich Rodriguez, then you will be barred from the building and escorted outside state lines,” quoth the press release.

Word from the locals is the actual paper shredder is the most exciting thing to hit West Virginia since the coal-cutter machine in 1898. West Virginia has long been a leading producer of coal in North America… who knows what limitless possibilities now lie ahead?

The Independent, a stuffy and obviously white-run excuse for a publication out in the Hamptons, published this article under the pseudonym “YoMama Bin Barrack”. They claim it was a spoof on the escalating tension between Hillary and Obama. Aside from being offensive and tasteless, it’s probably one of the worst attempts at humor I’ve ever seen.

Those Chinese Olympic planners never run out of ideas. Available for purchase at the 2008 Beijing Olympics: souvenirs made of panda poop. I know Chinese officials want to make sure the 2008 Olympic village will have a distinctly “Beijing” feel, but does it have to have a distinctly Beijing smell?

“We want all the athletes and officials to know they are living in the Beijing Olympic Village and not anywhere else,” said 2-time table tennis gold medalist Deng Yaping. The souvenirs, which include little panda-statues in various athletic poses, are supposed to be odor-free.

Apparently it takes a lot of work to make a panda-poop souvenir. All dung is smashed, dried and sterilized at 572 degrees F, and dyed. Look at the cute little bugger below - who wouldn’t want to take home a sampling of his excrement?

In further Olympic news, Celine Dion will dedicate a surprise song to the 2008 Olympics during her April concert in Beijing. Known for raucous thrown-down pump-it-up songs such as “My Heart Will Go On”, we can only wait in eager anticipation to find out what the song will be. Pundits surmise it will be a composition along the same vein as Dion’s last Olympic hit, “The Power of the Dream” from the 1996 games in Atlanta.

Olympic officials quickly took advantage of the stunning photo op afforded by the situation by presenting former Chinese gymnast Sang Lan with “the first ticket” for the concert.

Hell hath no fury like a Big East school scorned. Along with the whopping-yet-expected federal lawsuit seeking to recover Rodriguez’s $4 million buyout, The Charleston Gazette is implying that the new Michigan coach not only shredded player files in his hasty departure from West Virginia but also illegally contacted Michigan recruits and – most importantly – will not be sending future Christmas cards to their reporters.

Understandably, West Virginians are upset after losing both their football and basketball coaches to Michigan in the last year. Most recent tearful message left on Rodriguez’s voicemail: “Do what you will with player files but sweet Jesus, not the Christmas cards!”

For a while the folks at Mademoiselle Jewelry were suffering from a minor case of PVD (post-vacation depression); the cold weather, constant gray skies and plummeting temperatures were causing sluggish procrastination all around. Not anymore! Introducing Foxy Originals, a fresh and inspiring line of new and unique designs full of color and originality. Designed by a few former university students who turned their passion for jewelry into a blossoming international business, Foxy pieces are characterized by their breezy artistic influences, exotic designs and quality craftsmanship. Eye-catching enough to be worn by several celebrities, Foxy Originals definitely snapped us out of the January blues!

We love airy, fresh feel of Foxy’s tropical lines. The reversible, colorful Island Necklace cured our PVD in an instant – we feel like we’re still on holiday!

Aside from beautiful abstract tropical and floral designs, Foxy also has lines featuring birds, palms and island-inspired objects. We particularly loved the compliment-inspiring Palm and Chirp Necklaces. Available in gold, silver or bronze, their unique designs will match whatever mood we happen to be in… or whatever outfit we feel like wearing!

Island-inspired creations are just one of Foxy’s distinct and aesthetically pleasing lines. Designers and founders Jen and Suzie have forayed into designs with an eastern feel, a safari motif and even a preppy-plaid theme. Foxy jewelry has been recommended by fashion and accessories editors at several major magazines including Cosmo Girl, Elle Girl, LouLou, Twist, Teen People, Scoop, and US Weekly.

Find Foxy Originals at Mademoiselle Jewelry.

The University of Michigan is now offering a course on how to be gay.

The course only covers male homosexuality… women, of course, can do everything better anyway. No instruction needed.

Proposed course topics for future U of M curriculum meetings:

“Straight Men 101: An introduction to dating ethics, drinking limits and acceptable female nicknames”

“Silencing the Biological Clock: If he hears it he will flee”

“Historical battles: men, women, the remote and the wii-mote”

“Pint-sized love: A complete history of sock monkeys”

The presidential election of 1992 was a battle of two themes: trust and change. A third could be added to represent the independent billionaire from Texas – crazy – but, like his campaign, that’s irrelevant. Incumbent President George H.W. Bush begged voters to trust his experience and expertise despite breaking his main campaign promise and hiking taxes. Wearied by twelve years of Reaganomics and trickle-down-we-know-this-won’t-work-either, voters were sick of watching the rich get richer. They wanted a change

A relatively unknown governor from Arkansas caught their attention with his promise of a new direction for the economy. Bill Clinton was young, hip, smooth-talking, saxophone-playing, and highly electable. He even came with a bonus – Hillary. She was a politician’s wife like the country had never seen before. Women adored her for promoting the powerful working woman and promising to completely revamp the political duties of the first lady. That was the year the Clintons began their national political reign; they were the face of modern America and they made us excited about the future.

Sixteen years later two candidates now lead the Democratic primaries, one campaigning on trust and the other touting change. Hillary repeatedly hammers away at her experience, her experience, and her experience. She wants us to trust that this experience, combined with an ex-president as an unparalleled adviser, is exactly what this country needs to drag us out of the political depression of the last eight years. And therein lies the problem. After eight years of constant international embarrassment, a deflating economy and crushing blows to the country’s education system, voters again desire change. Rather than celebrate the fact that our heroine finally has her shot at the presidency, our attention is riveted on a young, hip, smooth-talking and relatively unknown junior senator from Illinois. Barack Obama even comes with a bonus – a Princeton-educated fiery spouse that promises to revamp political and cultural duties of the first lady.

How did Hillary end up on the other side? Why do we see her not as the brazen future of our nation but as part of the well-oiled political machine? Why do we see her as something other than the progressive pioneer she once was? Hil, seriously, what happened? Sixteen years ago we never expected so many similarities would develop between the Clintons and the Bush family. We already have a president who came with years of experience, has an ex-president in his family, and campaigned on trust. Maybe in our mind we link those traits with the inability to firmly grasp the English language. Maybe we’re so jaded from the last eight years that we just desperately need someone new. An entire generation grew up believing there was finally a woman strong enough, connected enough and feisty enough to be our first female president. It’s unbelievable how many of them – myself included – are now looking to Obama for the hope and change expected out of this year’s Democratic nominee.

Most of us will fully support the final nominee regardless if it’s Clinton or Obama. Change trumped trust in 1992; now we see if history repeats itself or if the Clinton legacy will turn into a dynasty. The next several weeks should be good.

Right now Obama’s kicking tail in New Hampshire

You know those 2 Starbucks across the street from each other on Astor Place? East Village people want them out of there

Tom Brady is a golden god

This probably happened on your last flight too

Jim Tressel feels the need to make old ladies cry

Ever wonder what they’re doing in those genetic engineering labs?

The Shake Shack opened today for its first ever winter season. Even though waiting in line in the 17 degree weather and ordering an ice-cold ice cream shake is the last thing any normal person would want do to today, it will likely be the first stop for many a Murray Hill twenty-something on their way home from their PR firm. The line should be shorter, and they’ve apparently added heaters to the seats and the waiting area. Tiny burgers, here we come!